


Thought of you as everything I've had but couldn't keep

by Tovarich



Series: Good Omens Celebration 2020 [15]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 6000 Years of Pining (Good Omens), Good Omens Celebration 2020, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Soft Crowley (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24430318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tovarich/pseuds/Tovarich
Summary: There was no doubt that they loved each other, they always had. They had always been orbiting around each other, pushing each other away and pulling each other closer in an ineffable dance, but never getting far enough from one another to break the link that held them together.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Good Omens Celebration 2020 [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727137
Kudos: 41
Collections: Good Omens Celebration





	Thought of you as everything I've had but couldn't keep

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt for day 15 of the Good Omens Celebration was "Through the years". It took me so much time to finally start writing this, but I'm happy I did. Please tell me if there are any mistakes or weird sentences. I hope you enjoy reading this!

_London – 1800_

Crowley and Aziraphale had known each other for such a long time, sometimes they didn't see each other for decades or even centuries, but they were always orbiting around each other. Their relationship had evolved too, growing from a simple acquaintanceship to something Crowley liked to think was friendship. Their lives on Earth had become so tangled over all those centuries that it seemed impossible for one to live without the other. They didn't need to see each other often, the simple presence of the other entity somewhere in this world was sufficient. It was a reassuring feeling, a comfort that helped them go through their various assignments, waiting for the next time their paths would cross. But now, even this could be taken away from them. Heaven wanted to take Aziraphale away from him, make him go back to the head office. And Aziraphale didn't look thrilled at the prospect either. Crowley liked to think it was because the angel would miss him, but the rational part of his brain told him not to get his hopes up. Either way, Crowley had to do something to prevent that from happening. And that's what he did, he found a way to convince Gabriel and Sandalphon that Aziraphale was the only angel who could ever thwart his evil wiles.

When he came back to the bookshop, a box of chocolate in his hands, Crowley found Aziraphale staring at the front door of his bookshop. The angel looked equally relieved and confused as to what exactly had just happened. He looked lost among the empty shelves and numerous boxes of books. But when he saw Crowley, his face illuminated.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale beamed. Oh, how he wanted to run to the demon and wrap his arms around his neck. But he didn't let himself act this way. Instead, he forced himself to walk towards the demon and took Crowley's free hand in both of his. "Thank you, dear," he said in a soft voice, certain that Crowley would understand what he meant.

"Ngk, it's nothing, really angel. Don't thank me, I did it for myself as much as I did it for you." It wasn't exactly a lie; it was true that Crowley didn't want to have to deal with another angel, it would be a lot less fun. He didn't want to lose his only friend, the only other being in this world he felt comfortable with. "I- er, I brought you chocolate. For, you know, the shop. Congratulations." Crowley was making a fool of himself. He wanted to be smooth and seductive but instead he was a blushing mess.

Aziraphale didn't seem to care, though. He looked absolutely delighted as Crowley handed him the chocolates, his eyes gleaming with joy. He looked so beautiful when he was happy, it was almost overwhelming. Crowley wanted to tilt Aziraphale's face upward and capture his smile with his lips. But he couldn't do that, it would ruin everything. He would push his stupid feelings away for ever just to be allowed to stay around Aziraphale a few hours every time they met. But the wave of affection he felt for the angel was just too strong, and he couldn't keep himself from leaving a gentle kiss on Aziraphale's forehead.

Aziraphale looked surprised but not displeased by the action.

* * *

_London – 1941_

Crowley had missed Aziraphale. They hadn't seen each other for decades. It felt like centuries. The last time they met, they didn't part on very good terms. It wasn't only because Aziraphale had refused to give him Holy Water; Crowley had been upset in the moment, but he quickly forgot it. He had other ways to acquire it. But Aziraphale referring to their relationship as 'fraternising' had hurt more than Crowley liked to admit. He considered Aziraphale as his friend, his best friend even, but apparently the feeling wasn't mutual. However, despite his resentment, Crowley couldn't abandon Aziraphale in times of trouble. And it had been worth it. As the stood among the rubble where a church stood only seconds ago and Crowley handed the intact books to Aziraphale, the angel's face lit up with pure joy and his eyes shone with gratefulness.

The drive to the bookshop was silent. They glanced at each other, but none of them uttered a single word. The atmosphere around them hadn't been so heavy for centuries, being around the other had become so easy. But now it seemed a sort of tension had settled between them. They had so many things to say; apologies, confessions, all those unsaid words that weighed on them. But their lips remained shut. Crowley's knuckles were white as he gripped the steering wheel, forcing his eyes to stay fixed on the road. His jaw was clenched so tight it hurt.

When they stopped in front of the bookshop, Crowley expected Aziraphale to just leave the car without a single glance backward. Crowley kept his eyes fixed on the road, even as the car was parked, too anxious to turn his head to look at Aziraphale. But instead the angel just sat there, staring at the window for a long moment.

Finally, he turned toward Crowley. "Thank you," he said, his voice barely audible. He placed a soft kiss on Crowley's cheek.

This was too much; Crowley couldn't take it anymore. When Aziraphale retreated, Crowley grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer, placing his lips on Aziraphale's. They were even softer than Crowley had imagined; warm and plump. Perfect under Crowley's thin ones. The kiss only lasted a few seconds. It was short and chaste, just two pairs of lips meeting, too uncertain to move against each other.

Aziraphale looked at Crowley with his conflicted pale blue eyes. There were so many tings left unsaid, still.

"I should go," Aziraphale said in a small voice.

"Alright." Crowley didn't look at Aziraphale, too scared of what he would find on his angelic face.

He hadn't meant to act on his feelings, but he was only a stupid, weak demon with no self-control. And now he had possibly ruined his only friendship. But Aziraphale surprised him by putting a warm hand on his forearm.

"Mind how you go, my dear," he said before exiting the car.

* * *

_London – 1967_

Crowley was both surprised and delighted to find Aziraphale in his car. It had been nearly thirty years. It felt like three hundred. The atmosphere around them was tense. It always was these days. Crowley longed for things to return to the way they were, a long time ago, when they could spend hours in companionable silence or talk about everything and nothing for a whole night, passing a bottle of whatever alcoholic beverage was available between them. But despite how complicated things had become, Crowley still enjoyed every second he got to spend with the angel.

"I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go," Crowley offered after Aziraphale had given him a thermos filled with Holy Water.

The longing was clear in his voice, almost making him flinch. But there was no hiding how he felt anymore. He couldn't pretend anymore. He could see in Aziraphale's eyes that the angel wanted to say yes but was still internally fighting with himself.

"You go too fast for me, Crowley," he ended up saying before disappearing from the car.

Crowley let his head fall on the steering wheel with a groan.

* * *

_Berlin – 1989_

Crowley was standing among the crowd, getting swept up by the general euphoria, a small smile dancing on his thin lips and a bottle of beer in his hand. Suddenly, he caught a flash of white-blond hair from the corner of his eye. _It isn't him! It simply can't be!_ The rational part of his brain screamed at him. Crowley decided not to listen to it and followed the blond head nonetheless, because that's who he was, a hopeless optimist.

And for once, he was right.

The angel was standing among a sea of people, his eyes bright with the joy he shared with the humans surrounding him. he was beautiful under the moonlight. The world around them vanished as their eyes met.

"I didn't expect to find you here," Crowley drawled as he got closer.

"I'm quite surprised too. Although I must admit it is a pleasant surprise," Aziraphale replied, a tender smile gracing his features.

It made Crowley's heart flutter. Maybe everything wasn't ruined after all. Aziraphale didn't hate him, he could still spend time by his side. Crowley didn't care if Aziraphale only cared for him as a friend, all that mattered was that Aziraphale cared for him in some way.

"Care for a drink?" Crowley asked. It hadn't been such a long time since they last saw each other; two decades were nothing for immortal being. But it felt like an eternity since they last had the chance to really spend time in each other's company. Crowley wanted to spend as much time with Aziraphale as he could, now that he had the chance.

Aziraphale nodded enthusiastically and they went in search of a place to spend the evening. Preferably somewhere quiet enough for them to have a chat. Crowley was happy to see that despite the tension that occasionally settled between them, they still enjoyed each other's company whenever they met. They drank a lot, recounting tales of what they had been up to during the last two decades. It was comfortable, just as it had once been, before complicated feelings got in the way of their relationship.

As the evening drew out and more bottles of wine were emptied, their inhibitions started to fade.

"I missed you, angel," Crowley admitted, feeling the heat rising in his cheeks. he would never have said that had he been sober, but with the pleasant buzz of the alcohol obscuring his judgement, it was easy to be honest.

"The feeling is mutual, my dear. It feels like an awfully long time since we last spent an evening like that." Aziraphale smiled, his eyes at the distance. Crowley could read the conflict in those blue-grey irises, as if Aziraphale was hesitating to say something. He seemed to reach a decision as his eyes focused on Crowley again. "Do you want to continue this evening in my hotel room? I have a few bottles of wine there that are begging to be drunk. I'd love to share them with you."

Crowley smirked at the angel. "I'm not going too fast anymore, then?"

"I… Well, I mean…"

"Joking, angel. I'd love to come with you."

During their way to the hotel, a new kind of tension enveloped them. Fingers lightly brushing, shoulders bumping from walking so close to each other, stealing side glances when they thought the other wouldn't notice. It was delightful.

When they arrived in front of Aziraphale's door, the air was so thick it was nearly impossible to breathe. As soon as they were behind closed doors, they crashed against each other, like magnets being desperately attracted to each other, unable to resist the force bringing them closer. Their lips met in a hungry kiss, hands working on discarding clothes as fast as possible. The exquisite feeling of skin against skin, warm and intoxicating, made them forget all about the bustling world outside. It was just them, kissing and biting and scratching. Whispering words of lust and love in each other's ears. It was intense and it was perfect. Crowley had never felt so complete before in his long life. For a few hours, they lived in blissful oblivion.

When Crowley woke up the next morning, Aziraphale wasn't there anymore.

* * *

_London – Present days_

Having to work with Aziraphale to stop the apocalypse, having to see him nearly every day for a decade, was both a blessing and a curse for Crowley. But it had had the benefit of bringing them closer than they had ever been before. Aziraphale had still been too scared to consider Crowley as anything else than a friend, but it was more than Crowley thought he would get.

He had to admit that hearing Aziraphale say he didn't need him, that he didn't even like him, had painfully stung, especially after the night they had shared in Berlin. Crowley knew somewhere deep in his mind that Aziraphale hadn't meant a single word, but it had still hurt.

As they were on the bus to Crowley's flat, having Aziraphale by his side had felt like a blessing to Crowley. He was a mess. Now that all the tension from the previous days had left his body, he was left shaking and exhausted. He felt Aziraphale's hand gently take his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

When they entered Crowley's flat, Aziraphale helped him get rid of his jacket. He followed Crowley to his bedroom where Crowley sat on his bed. He wanted to take his clothes off, but was too tired to move a single muscle. Even performing a miracle seemed like an impossible task. Aziraphale knelt beside Crowley's leg, placing Crowley's right foot on his thigh.

"Angel, what are you doing?" Crowley asked, his heartbeat accelerating. "I – er, I can do that myself, really angel," he protested weakly.

"Hush, darling. Let me take care of you, please," Aziraphale said, firmly but with infinite tenderness.

Aziraphale opened Crowley's shoe and took it off, his sock going with it. He delicately ran his fingers on Crowley's foot, gently massaging it before placing a soft kiss on his ankle. He repeated the process with the left foot. He kissed both of Crowley's knees before standing up to sit beside Crowley on the mattress. He started to work on opening Crowley's shirt, not resisting the temptation to leave little kisses on Crowley's sharp collar bone.

"Can you lie down and raise your hips a bit for me, dear?" Aziraphale asked after he had opened Crowley's trousers. They were so tight, Aziraphale was afraid it would be difficult to take them off, especially with Crowley being so unresponsive.

"Mmmgh," Crowley groaned as he obeyed, his eyes closing as his head hit the soft mattress.

Aziraphale's heart almost burst with love at the level of trust Crowley accorded him. He allowed Aziraphale to undress him, even as he has so tired he could barely move a single muscle. He trusted Aziraphale to take care of him in this vulnerable state. Aziraphale couldn't think of a more precious gift Crowley could have offered him.

Crowley opened his eyes to look at Aziraphale, his expression so open and unguarded without the sunglasses hiding his eyes. The angel lied on the bed beside Crowley, taking the demon in his arms, holding him tightly.

"Mmmh, you're warm. Feels good," Crowley mumbled, his eyelids falling shut once again, even as his long fingers started tugging at Aziraphale's shirt. He wanted more of that warmth, wanted to feel Aziraphale's skin directly against his.

Aziraphale got the message. He briefly stood up to take off his clothes before joining Crowley on the bad. He moved them in a more comfortable position, pulling the soft covers on their bodies.

"I love you, my darling. I'm sorry I pushed you away so many times," Aziraphale whispered against Crowley's temple. He wasn't sure that Crowley heard him, though. He looked like he had already fallen asleep.

After that, everything was more comfortable between them, especially after their trial, when they could simply be together without having to pretend to be hereditary enemies. There was no doubt that they loved each other, they always had. They had always been orbiting around each other, pushing each other away and pulling each other closer in an ineffable dance, but never getting far enough from one another to break the link that held them together. And now they were together, without any doubt or uncertainty lingering, without any fear keeping them apart. It was all very perfect; the air between them wasn't heavy with longing and unsaid words anymore, the nervous tension didn't choke them, they were able to be completely honest with each other, after all those centuries. They ate lunch together every day, taking long walks in the park or feeding the ducks in the afternoon. At night they slept together, holding each other tightly.

Finally, they were able to be happy without any restraint.


End file.
